Two weeks ago today, I had one of the most difficult prayer experiences of my life.
I was praying for my husband, Kirk, late at night, standing by my desk in one room while he slept in our bedroom, when breaking through my spirit was a voice so familiar—God’s, or at least what I thought was God’s—that said, “I’m going to be taking him soon.” My husband. Dearest soul of my heart. God was going to be taking him soon.
It was such a startling and scary revelation that I sincerely didn’t know if Kirk would still be breathing when I stepped back into our bedroom. I walked toward the room slowly, fearfully, and let out the greatest sigh of relief when I heard his slow, deep breaths emanating from the bed.
I crawled into bed and placed my hands on his back and began to pray. Then I heard the voice again: “I’m going to be taking him soon.” At this point, I lost it. Weeping and praying harder than ever, I begged God no. Please, no. Please, no.
What sweet relief it was to open my eyes the next morning and hear my husband puttering about in the other room.
The experience shook me. I walked in a fog for days. Was it God’s voice I had heard? It sure sounded like the voice I’ve come to know as God’s in my life. And if it wasn’t God’s voice, then my ability to discern his real voice got called into question. Could I hear God’s voice—really? Not to mention that if God had, indeed, said those words, then my whole world got upended. I simply couldn’t bear the thought of losing Kirk. Why would God say that to me?
Through the aftermath of this painful, confusing experience, I’ve come to value in a more visceral way than ever the community’s role in our process of discernment. As several key people in my life have shed their light on this scenario as I’ve shared it with them, they’ve helped me recognize at least three questions the community helps us hold in matters of discernment:
1. Can the community affirm it too? Do those who carry the spirit of God inside them recognize the voice we heard? Jesus says, “The sheep recognize [the Shepherd’s] voice. … He leads them and they follow because they are familiar with his voice. They won’t follow a stranger’s voice” (John 10:1-5, MSG). Others who know the voice of Jesus can help us affirm or deny if the voice we heard is the voice of the true Shepherd or just an imposter.
2. What is the fruit? Is the experience producing greater love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, faithfulness, gentleness, or self-control? Is it drawing us nearer to God and others? Or is it moving us in the opposite direction?
3. How does it come alongside what God is already doing in our lives? Does the experience further what God is already teaching us, how God is already growing us, where God is already leading us?
I’m still working through these questions related to the experience I had, but I know one thing for sure: Were it not for the community of faithful saints in my life who know God and know me, I would feel like one very lost, confused, and scared soul.
Awesome Christianne! Thank you for the guts to share what we all go through. Accountability, discernment and conformation go hand in hand for all of us. Thank God he starts our redemption with our weaknesses. If God began our redemption with our strengths, we would never know humility, compassion or grace. Truly outstanding! Thank you for sharing.
Christianne, what you heard sounds a bit like a threat designed to evoke alarm and fear. It sounds more like an “anti-Christ” kind of statement proffered by whoever or whatever “the Devil” is. Sometimes God’s voice can be mimicked and then act in confusing ways. Confusion, biblically speaking, isn’t a God-thing…ever. I believe God will say hard things, things that convict us of areas for deep repentance and growth. But encouragement and light generally emanate from those.
That said, I’m still gonna pray for you and Kirk regularly!
Christianne,
Who knows what this means right? Some of the above responses are wonderful pieces of reflection (that good community for discernment). My two cents…I wonder if God is in the midst of helping Kirk to die to some part of himself that needs to die. For me, being married then divorced had it’s way of honing the death that I needed to die to (within myself). My huge stumbling stone was my own wake up call from an ego that would otherwise not have detached (the rejected cornerstone). This process can often have a great shaking affect on families. In the event that this might be true, that you would hear “I’m going to be taking him soon” would be quite a merciful act from God for you both. I love that you took this to community. I will hold this close to my heart in prayer. Bless you both.
Thanks for your thoughts, everyone. I’m still in discernment on this and expect I probably will be for some time yet. I’ve certainly considered the perspectives you’ve both offered, Val and Rob, and still haven’t come to a place of settledness about what happened. But God’s showing me that, for the time being, he may not provide that settledness that I seek. And I’m “settling into” being OK with that. (And am thankful I’m at least not living every moment in fear that I’ll lose Kirk at any moment!)