I’ve served as an evangelical pastor for thirty years. My calling came as the direct result of discovering God’s love in Jesus when I was seventeen. In my early years, like a lot of teens, I was desperately seeking to discover my sense of worth. Sadly, as often happens, my personal worth was directly tied to how my peers responded to me—to my looks, my personality and my performance. It was only by God’s grace that I was introduced to the reality of God’s love just before my senior year. All that year I prayed a single prayer before heading off to school:
“God, help me to see myself as you do.”
The fruit of this prayer changed me and set the stage for what my adult life would become. Over the years my understanding of God’s love has deepened immensely. Yet, in ways I couldn’t comprehend, I retained a significant need to perform and prove myself. This become surprisingly clear to me when, sixteen months ago, I found myself in an unexpected place. My wife and I had just finished getting our five kids launched, and my wife received an unmistakable call to serve God in a new city. In theory this was a great idea! I could support her call and slip into an anonymous state, enjoying some much- needed rest. So we sold our family home and bought a little bungalow in Pasadena.
Within weeks of landing I found myself feeling agitated. What was this as I sat alone in our new back yard? 
I’d enjoyed silent retreats over the years! So I went looking for a spiritual director to help me sort it out. Actually, I started with three directors. God knew I needed more than one session each month in these difficult early days. Also, I’d arrived into this new season knowing it was “right” for me to receive training in spiritual direction. Somehow I knew this was God’s gift and call for me at this time. I’d registered for a certain training program in Los Angeles before arriving. But by God’s grace I was led to CenterQuest’s School of Spiritual Direction soon after landing. By the end of the fall of 2014, after my first months, I knew this was God’s mysterious gift.
We began unwrapping this gift by spending an entire week focusing on how God feels about us—how we ARE God’s beloved. I learned the truth that the words God spoke over Jesus at his baptism capture the essence of how God feels about every one of us: “YOU are my beloved child!” Just as the Father spoke these words over Jesus BEFORE Jesus had healed one person or given one teaching, God also sees us as God’s beloved—no matter what we’ve done or ever will do! This truth set the tone for what my entire year would become. Along the way I had to face my dualistic, critical and judgmental tendencies that are rooted in my hidden need to prove my worth. And even though I had believed in my need for God’s mercy, and I’d experienced God’s mercy in tremendous ways, I had not unearthed the ugly depths of my “works-based” ways.
One of the most important moments from this past year’s training happened on one of my many prayer hikes in the San Gabriel mountains. On this particular hike I was focusing on “hearing” and “seeing” all things as God does. 
I hiked to the top of a mountain and spent time resting in God’s presence. On my way down, as the sun was setting, I became aware of fears rising within me. I was suddenly aware that mountain lions lived in this place and I was vulnerably alone in the increasing darkness. So I hiked faster, and faster!
Then, all of sudden, I was aware of God’s speaking voice within: “I’m all around you. You’re safe. Slow down and pay attention.” So I slowed down and listened. Suddenly I was VERY aware of God’s presence in the creation that surrounded me. I became so overwhelmed that I had to stop. As I looked at the young trees standing over me, embracing me, I sensed God saying through them, “I love you, Michael, and am very pleased with you, just as you are.” As I heard these words a wonderful shiver ran through me. I stood motionless, hoping not to break this intimate moment of being held by God.
Then, before too long, the embrace of God’s presence lifted. As I reflect on the immeasurable gifts received over these past months, my hope is to continually grow in my awareness of how God feels about me so I can increasingly live this reality and more easily give this reality away to all people—the gift of God’s amazing and merciful grace!
Author:
My name is Mike Harbert. I live in Pasadena, CA with my wife, Laura. Our five kids (of our blended family) are just launched. I’m a Presbyterian pastor of 30 years. Most recently I’ve enjoyed a year-long sabbatical, receiving training in spiritual direction through CenterQuest. I’m passionate about living into what is true about myself through contemplative prayer practices so the Loving God can continually heal and transform me. I’m also passionate about companioning others who desire this sacred journey.
Mike, I’m moved by how you so authentically reveal that God demonstrated the love of Jesus to you not only at age 17, but time and again through 30 years of ministry and even most recently as you hiked in the San Gabriel’s and sensed those reassuring words, “I’m all around you. You’re safe. Slow down and pay attention. I love you and am very pleased with you, just as you are.” I am continually amazed at how needful God’s merciful words, reassuring us of his love, can be for us at any age, even after 30 years or more on the faith journey. As I enter my 6th decade of life, the stark reality of my longing to be reminded of God’s love for me, daily, causes me to feel more like a “child” of God now than 20 or 30 years ago when I was far more self reliant.
Recently I ran across a story about the 20th Century theologian, Karl Barth, who was asked, “What is the most profound truth you have ever discovered in the Scripture?” The dignified doctor replied, “Jesus loves me this I know, for the Bible tells me so.” God’s merciful love is truly our basic nourishment.
Thanks so much, Melodie! Great hearing from you, and hope you’re well! I, too, am continually amazed at how needful God’s merciful words, reassuring us of his love, can be for us at any age! And as you also said, this causes us to feel more like a child of God now than when our spiritual journey began. Very encouraging for all that’s yet ahead! Bless you my dear sister!!
Thanks for sharing so openly Mike, I needed God’s words spoken through your text today. It’s amazing how God keeps on giving us new gifts through out life as long as we are awake and present. I share your longing in this sentence “my hope is to continually grow in my awareness of how God feels about me so I can increasingly live this reality and more easily give this reality away to all people—the gift of God’s amazing and merciful grace!” What I find difficult sometimes is how to keep those transforming moments alive, not clinging to them and wanting them back, but to keep my heart open to continue to receive this experience of being loved by God or seeing myself in the eyes of God. Have you found a good way to do this?
Thanks for your reply, Anna! I’m glad for you and your ongoing journey with the God Who loves us so!
As for your question, I think your own words give a good answer: “It’s amazing how God keeps on giving us new gifts throughout life as long as we are awake and present.” Your words that especially stand out related to your question are, “as long as we are awake and present.” What I’m learning is that so long as my DESIRE is to retain (as part of my daily rhythms) an attentive heart to God’s loving presence and speaking voice, God allows me to continue receiving the experience of being loved by God. This experience can be very silent and muted, but simply making regular time and space to be still and attentive before God (without doing much else), I’m experientially learning that God does continually move me in the direction I want to go. In reading the great saints who’ve gone before us, one thing I’ve noticed they all share is the understanding that, if we will simply make our full selves available to God (through centering prayer, the examen, lectio divina, or whatever beest quiets and grounds our true selves in God’s Presence) on a regular basis, in time we will notice how God has moved us further down the path of healing, wholeness, love, peace and joy. But it’s a slow process that we have to wait for as we continue to simply and honestly sit with ourselves before the God Who loves perfectly. As we persist in this way of being, God’s magic happens.
I hope you can find your way to rest in God’s presence–for at least 20 minutes at a time–on a regular basis. The rest is God’s gift!
Mike, thanks for being open enough to claim your struggle with “critical and judgmental tendencies.” It is a struggle that many of us have. It seems that in our world, people are constantly judged by what they can produce. It better be good and new and innovative. How refreshing is your experience that God loved Jesus before he healed or taught anyone. And that same “preemptive love” is for us as well. Thanks for sharing your story. It is a blessing. Peace!
Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Lanny! It’s so good and needed that we help each other understand what’s actually true about ourselves in God, and then help each other actually LIVE this truth in the here and now. Not easy . . . but possible by the grace of God as we make this the deepest desire and primary pursuit of our hearts. Hope you have a wonderfully renewing and encouraging Easter!
Mike, I just read this post. Since my natural fear is being worthless-AND of lions…. I resonated with so much of your story. CS Lewis is so right…stories are powerful in that they steal past the dragons that guard our hearts and minds so we can be open and responsive to truth. Yours is impactful. Also, please tell your wife how many of us were touched by her ministry and I trust God is still moving mightily through her too!