“I cry out by day, but you do not answer by night, but I find no rest.” Psalm 22:2
As the first few weeks of the New Year have begun, my life situation seems to become more and more muddied. This is already going against the sense of nuance I can almost touch at the turn of every New Year. That certain image of a clean slate, a beautiful path or a hopeful discovery, all of which can lead me on rabbit trails of dissipating mirages. In the end, it often feels like a waste of imagination.
Or maybe like me you find yourself on a journey backwards into the pastures when you grazed on what you thought was nourishing for your soul only to find it more like chewing the cud of manure. Living in the past can open doors to thoughts of “should haves” and “shouldn’t haves”. The more you chew on the manure of bad thinking, the more it can lead to self-loathing. Not really very nourishing at all.
Whenever I am faced with life’s dilemmas or dead ends, my ego defenses love to engage at full throttle. The older I get the more I see my false self. The more I see my false self, the more I see how futile it can be for me to think I know much of anything. But one thing I do know.
The skewed sense of self needs to find true north; and this is why we pray.
I recently found this prayer that was written by Evan B. Howard. In the spirit of Thomas Merton, Evan gives up striving and pretending to know. And yet, the prayer gives way to a much more centered and expansive place to dwell and listen, thereby surrendering toward God’s will in perfect love.
“I choose to pray today, Lord, in spite of my own ambiguities. Intellectually, I simply can’t figure all this out. I have no certain foundation to build upon–no starting point. But then, for this reason perhaps every point is now a starting point. Although I have experienced You in many different ways, I have no affective-existential place to call home. Similarly, I can’t seem to find my way into a felt sense of ordinary Christian motives, even a sense of acting out of “the love of God,” although I am moved by a vision of Your Character and Your Kingdom. I choose self-examination in the midst of complex imperfections and mere approximations of discernment. I have learned to practice many methods of prayer, but none “works” with any degree of regularity, although I do receive periodic drops of Your grace. In my best moments I realize that any and every type of prayer is an open conduit for Your presence. Some of my most heart-felt prayers have remained unanswered, and I have no idea how much I am to blame for this. My mind is such that I am not very good at recollection or at practicing Your presence.
Nevertheless, I choose to pray, Lord. I choose to give myself to a ministry of prayer, as best I can. I invest myself into prayer, attempting to to make more time for prayer in quantity, and (by Your grace) to completely re-orient my sense of calling and identity through prayer qualitatively. I choose to do this–today, NOW–because You have commanded prayer, and because You have called me to prayer, both for my sake and the sake of Your kingdom. I pray in my freedom and weakness to You who are both sovereign and responsive, in the midst of a complex, interconnected world. I choose to pray here and now, when and where I can: in my cell, in my office, in my bed, throughout the day as I am able. I permit myself this time to set my mind on You and on the things of Your heart in these various ways, in Your presence.
I realize that I may pray in much confusion at times. I realize that I may experience very little. I realize that any “answers” to prayer may be hidden within subtle, interconnected secondary causes. I realize that I may constantly face a personal problem of evil when I pray, believing that You can intervene and yet never knowing why You choose to intervene here and not there, there and not here.
And yet, in the midst of all this I hear You calling, saying to me, “That’s OK, just pray anyway.” And so I choose to pray.”
Evan B. Howard is a true north kind of guy as you can tell by sitting for a while in his website. He is an affiliate partner and on our teaching staff at CenterQuest. You can hang out with Evan on his website.
Picture found here.
Val, you had me at “chewing the cud of manure.” I think my influence is rubbing off! You’re right, this prayer is very much in the spirit of Thomas Merton’s famous “God’s will” prayer. The deeper we go into the truest life of God in us, the truer our direction. But that direction often involves misdirection and occasional wrong turns. In the economy of a God of love and mystery, this can be disconcerting to us, but nothing to God. I, too, find that, as I grow older, I’m facing the often immovable glacier of my “not-Rob” that bumps up against the “always on the move” Spirit of God, ever transforming, challenging, calling, blessing. If I’m willing, God wins every time and I am reintroduced to who it is God has designed me to be. It makes me fear my own ego a little less and expect God’s presence more.
“All manner of thing shall be well…”
Peace, sister
Hey Rob, maybe your reality check style of writing is like one of those rub-off tattoos that I just unloaded in this post. Yeah, we are all connected like that. Your comment, “The deeper we go into the truest life of God in us, the truer our direction”, is filled with truth. Making the leap from what I think is true to the deeper and truest life of God within is what I call the journey of life and accessing that “truest life” is what we call prayer. The prayer of unknowing seems to be the way toward “all manner of things being well”.
“The older [we] get” is kind of like a fork in the road. The False Self is either solidified and set into concrete or we begin to really see the ways we hide, cry for acceptance, or live based on our compulsions. We are never finished with having Christ formed in us. It’s not until the sculptor is well into sculpting that the detail work is done.
Oh how true Jamie, that the fork in the road is inevitable. I have always loved that sculptor image even more than the potter’s image. As Michael Angelo said of his being a sculptor, “I see the image and take away what doesn’t belong there”. A potter is making something useful. To me, God can use anything for his good…so that applies in any stage of life. But our highest good seems to be that of finding what ALREADY is true. Back to that sculptor image…or the buried treasure image that Jesus uses. I see this as less about becoming and more about letting go. I suppose I have changed my understanding of the intricacy of what it means to “become”. I used to think it was about starting with junk and being made into something pure and holy. But like we hear many other ancient voices state…it is more about finding out who we were all the time, only we awaken to that stunning truth, beauty and goodness. Do you see a difference?
I set no goals or aspirations for the new year, I haven’t for many years now. I figure if I let myself down (which I always do), how much more my God. The thing is, He’s big enough to handle it – I’m not. I’m seeking a voice that my flesh has long since silenced, striving to find the true path anew. Yet I’m ever so slightly beginning to find that the silence is not all bad, it may well be good – for me. It may not even be ALL my fault. The silence brings pause to reflect, to question – and questions are okay by Him – but not okay by my selfish flesh. I need answers but the answers need to be Him and my flesh needs to learn to be okay with that. So … I’m starting to learn and learning to accept that it should – it needs to be – His way, not mine. He loves me just the same, despite myself. And His love is always true and forbearing no matter how much my flesh tries to skew it …
Hello David,
You say, “He loves me just the same, despite myself. And His love is always true and forbearing no matter how much my flesh tries to skew it …”. I think I am coming to terms with this fact. It’s all grace…our good and our bad. What seems rather tricky to me is when I can no longer see the difference between the good nor the bad (in my life). Like…the further I get into God’s mystery, the more muddy it becomes because the lines I used to draw are not really there any longer. “No matter how my flesh tries to skew it”….wow, that is a hunkful to grasp. In the end could it be that his love is so transcendent that faulting oneself cannot fit through the door of heaven?
And btw…I am really glad to hear your desire for surrender trumping the act of goal setting. That has got to be a heaven bound discipline!
“In the end could it be that his love is so transcendent that faulting oneself cannot fit through the door of heaven?” Ooh, good girl! Love that line. By the way, I meant earlier that my salty, sailor talk influence was rubbing off, nothing more holy than that!
Ha Rob. I prefer salty over sailor but chewing on manure didn’t originate with me…that comes straight from scripture. (we return to our vomit…our sin (or in this case our bad thinking) can be like us sitting in our own dung. Can’t remember references but you know…