I had no idea. I had no idea how much I had missed something so immeasurably, something I wasn’t even aware existed. This nagging feeling of emptiness inside, which I think most of us can relate to, the black hole that searches to be filled. This feeling of having all the things you need and want, being quite happy and successful, whatever that may mean, and still there is this feeling of that there must be more to it. The deep longing of the heart to be touched and seen, still with an ever deeper fear of being truly touched and seen, making this connection almost impossible to occur. I had no idea how much I had missed a true, honest and deep sacred love, the love of Christ.
Having been on a spiritual journey for many years, I was very reluctant when I felt the call of Christ some years ago. I did my best to resist until I had to give in and just let it happen. What I have met though is beyond what I was expecting. I found love, but not just any love, a sacred love.
Love comes back as the central message throughout the Scriptures and I summarize it as these three.
That God loves me, just for being me, unconditionally and endlessly.
The rewarding journey it is to love God.
How God wants me to love the person I am with, no matter if that is a stranger on the bus, with my friends or even someone I don’t like.
These messages, that actually can seem quite simple, are truly transforming for who I am and what I do, if I let them move to a deeper level of me. I need to move it from my head to my heart, and on the way let it touch the unloved parts of myself. I think we often view love as something nice and romantic but on a deeper level it reaches one of our deepest wounds, probably the deepest. Being human means we carry a part that feels unloved no matter if we want it or not. A feeling of not belonging, being rejected or different, feeling unattractive, stupid, shameful or any other reason we carry for not being able to truly love. But we can embrace it, let it be felt, accept that we have it and rest in it with the help of Christ.
What does it mean to be loved by God?
What does it mean to you?
Well to me that’s the whole thing, that makes all the difference to everything I do. Where there is love, fear will dissolve. God’s love is why I choose to come to my altar every morning to pray, read and meditate, because I want to intentionally deepen that love relation. It gives me space to be me and helps me leave my comfort zone and stretch myself on this journey that is continuously unfolding, and yes often there is still tension.
It helps me to worry less about what others might think, from comparing, judging and it releases quite a bit of self criticism that has been part of my shortcomings. I still have all of these, human as I am, but it helps. We are all carrying this unloved part which we try to satisfy by asking our partners to love us in a way that isn’t possible, consuming things we don’t need or eating things not good for us. It’s a constant search to satisfy our desires, leading us further away from God and closer to suffering, trying to fill that emptiness inside.
Love is for me the biggest change walking on the Christian path, to be loved, again and again. Not because I have acted in a good way, but because I am willing to come with all of me and still letting me receive this love, letting it change me, soften my heart and transform me from inside. The only thing I feel it requires is whether I am willing to let both my unloved and loved part coexist and still receive. Some days I am, others I am not, in that I will rest in God’s love anyhow.
It’s not so easy being human. But it’s true mercy to be loved by Christ.
Author: Anna Eliason lives in Helsingborg, Sweden. Since 2005 she runs a yoga studio, Yogiana, where she teaches yoga, meditation and mindful living. She loves to accompany people on their spiritual journeys with deep soul work as well as inviting them to live a more true and conscious life. She tries to listen to the voice of God in every day life, stepping back to letting life unfold in the loving presence of the Divine. Anna has been exploring the Buddhist path deepening in the practices of acceptance, non judgment and compassion before being called by Christ some years ago. Nature, her family, veggie food, traveling as well as her daily spiritual practice nurtures her soul. www.lettinglifehappen.org
Anna, I am gently nudged by your words, “The only thing I feel it requires is whether I am willing to let both my unloved and loved part coexist and still receive.”. For me, this mercy comes like a tide at my most unguarded and vulnerable places of the heart. The challenge is to receive the mercy (God’s love) in both parts of who I am. Your word, that they could co-exist seems simply yet it is profoundly hard to do. I still find myself wanting to fix it first, then maybe it will be loved. Yet, the oddity of the Christian faith (unlike many other striving religions) is that the very acknowledging of the unwanted parts becomes the doorway for me to give and receive that love. THAT for me, is mercy. It’s a long road of acceptance and it indeed is what I call the journey. There is something that beckons me to these words in a fresh way.
Thank you Val, oh yes I see what you mean, I just find it as such a release not having to be fixed anymore actually… I used to be a lot more like that, but I agree with you that acceptance is the lead word in this. Not acceptance as in “liking” my experience, but acceptance as seeing whatever is going on as it is, recognizing and accepting my feelings to the situation as they are, yes that is a journey. For me it is a lot easier when I can feel Christ loving, holding and leading me even when I feel tender hearted and vulnerable, that also makes me more open to understanding how much I need that love.
Anna, what a beautiful sharing of the journey of God’s love. I was struck by the phrase, “The deep longing of the heart to be touched and seen, still with an ever deeper fear of being truly touched and seen . . .” Where do you think the “ever deeper fear of being truly touched and seen” come from?
Thanks Lanny, I think no matter if we feel we have had a good childhood or not we will always carry the wounds of not feeling loved, seen, heard, touched, comforted etc in the way we needed at the time. A busy parent not being able to be there at the right time or to meet that specific child’s need causes feelings of not being good enough, lovable or feeling rejected or abandoned. Deep, deep wounds we all carry as human beings and therefor it most often hurts when we feel someone else is suffering since it also touches that wound in ourselves. We know the feeling of feeling different or not belonging even if we might not be in touch with it right now. When we go deep enough into ourselves we carry the same typ of wounds. All children have a need to feel loved and be seen, and as a child we do all we can to receive that love and attention. This is where the deep hole inside origins from, and as human beings we will never be able to fully fill it. I don’t think it can be healed only through other people but also need the total unconditional love of God. This is why I feel faith is essential since it gives us all an opportunity to become whole and lovable, to heal and fill that emptiness that normally otherwise takes us on different destructive routes in the search for wholeness. To me Christ has filled this emptiness in way nothing else has and that is true mercy.
Anna, I so appreciate your simple yet compelling call to “love the person I am with…” That’s the heart of the revolution, isn’t it? I think its a stormy blast in the face of someone who knows they’ve been unloving and are undeserving of our love. But that’s the example Jesus sets for us — to love the unlovely, to turn the other cheek, to do good to those who have done us wrong. When I do this, even when its hard, I often smile at the results. “Good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over shall men give into your bosom.” And the amazing grace of God pours this steady love and mercy right back to us! Your post is rich with ideas to ponder, Anna, thank you!